Saturday, January 19, 2013

Lance Versus Oprah

  Last week Lance Armstrong was called out by Oprah Winfrey to a battle royale. The no holds barred match took place in his now partially destroyed home in Austin, TX. Oprah did a good job of holding her own against the former champion.

"Well, I hate you more!"

Oprah opened strong with the "Yes" or "No?" choke hold often employed by her gender. It's highly effective and had Lance backpedaling early in this clash of titans.

Oprah with a vintage move holds Lance helpless 

   Lance countered with "After winning against cancer, it was hard to stop winning." Oprah seemed stunned by the break in her patented 'feelings' grip.
   Suddenly, Tyler Hamilton is brought into the ring. Lance brazenly claims, "I NEVER READ YOUR BOOK!" Tyler is shocked, but confusingly claims "I no longer hate you." Oprah realized her tag team partner's weakness and calls in surprise contender Betsy Andreu. "Who's the fat, lying bitch now, asshole?!" Betsy bellows. "I never called you fat, you lying bitch!" Lance shouts as she drives his face into the mat.
"Hell have no fury..."

   It looks like it's lights out for the 7 time champion. In a last ditch effort Lance tries humor - "I was one nut down; I needed a little extra testosterone!" Little does he know, Oprah has no sense of humor. After some shuffling around they find themselves in leg holds.

The sexual tension is palpable

   In the end, it seemed like the victor was obvious...

"OWN still sucks ball."

   Maybe in a few years, if the sport is clean, we can say this was a fire that had to happen and the fresh growth is better for it. I'm more inclined to think that this will be remembered as be a terrible thing that helped no one and best be forgotten. Perhaps it can provide fodder for 2nd rate comedians and bloggers. You want to know who I think won?

No one.


1 comment:

Randi said...

I like that you worked in a JPG of Oprah scissoring.